There is a darkness in this time, an evil that must be confronted with the strength and courage and pioneer spirit of our forefathers. No, I am not referring to the Islamo-Nazism of the Middle East, nor the Cheddar-Nazism of the Middle West. It’s an evil far more sinister, more diabolical, more heinous than anything encountered before…
It’s gnomes.
Don’t be seduced by Hollywood and their twisted lies that gnomes are playful, harmless, and wholesome family entertainment. From the Underpants Gnomes of the late 1990’s, to the nefarious Roaming Apartment Gnomes, to the scheming Traveling Gnomes skillfully plotting to siphon away your hard-earned wages on fanciful and decadent, yet ultimately unsatisfying vacations, gnomes have been the scourge of mankind and the bane of our existence. And to this list of foul and malevolent creatures, I add the worst, nay, the EVILEST of their species…
The DISH GNOME.
Lying in wait until the end of Chore Time, or what we may commonly refer to as “doing the dishes” and/or “loading the dishwasher”, these malodorous beasts bide their time, waiting until there is a sparkling, minty fresh kitchen ripe for the defiling. Then, without decency or conscience, they strike, placing their vile filth prominently on the glistening kitchen counter right next to the pristine kitchen sink. It could be a sticky juice glass, or a dripping, gooey ice cream bowl – no debasement is too great, no defilement too low for these abominations.
Dish gnomes are stealthy creatures, rarely seen and seldom heard. I, personally, have never seen their ilk, but my beautiful, honest and trustworthy wife assures me they are there, plaguing our house with their gnomish ill-will. How else would dirty dishes appear in a freshly scrubbed kitchen?
So beware and be warned – do not let your guard down for an instant, or the dish gnomes will infiltrate your home and despoil your kitchen! They care nothing for the virtue of American Cleanliness and for all that America stands – Mom, apple pie, burritos, and lemon-scented dishware. Courage, my friends! Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Godspeed, and good luck!
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